I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
