Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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You know, be my cock's hype man.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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