I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think i peed on brittanys purse
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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