Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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