I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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