I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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