dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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