We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
