her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
