I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You've changed since you got that strap on
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
