And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I supernannyed him into submission
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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