Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So much rum. So many feels.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
