1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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