dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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