oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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