Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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