what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
