A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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