You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
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as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
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Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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