i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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