There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wear drunk well.