Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.