I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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