You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
