Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
