when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
