And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
