I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
