i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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