I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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