He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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