I look better un-naked...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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