i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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