You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.