a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
