Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.