i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
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Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.