I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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