Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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