there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
im on a boat
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