Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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