ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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