he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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