I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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