at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
