I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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