I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I think I just sharted jello shots
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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