i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
