did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
