I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
