I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
