I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
