You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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