As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize