we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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