Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
