And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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